Peter's Secret
by MirMirOnTheWall
Summary: It's Peter Pettigrew's fifth year at Hogwarts, and he feels more alone than ever. As he vies for James's attention, he realizes that his feelings for him may not just be friendly... New Chapter added! 9/2011
1. I

I.

As the Hogwarts Express sped away from Kings Cross Station, James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter found an empty compartment near the back of the train.

"Thought I was going to miss the train today, the way my mother carried on," James complained.

"Aw, she couldn't stand to see little James go," Sirius teased.

"Shut up," said James as he shoved Sirius inside the compartment.

"Well, I'll leave you three here. They want the prefects at the front of the train," said Remus, trying to sound casual.

"Don't let us hold you up, prefect, sir. Or should we call you Mr. Lupin now?" jeered Sirius. Shaking his head, Remus left the compartment.

"Oy! Don't forget to check out the other prefects! We need to know what we're up against this year!" James called after him. He took a seat next to Peter, while Sirius stretched across the other two seats.

"So did you have a good holiday, Peter?" asked Sirius.

"Yeah, it was all right. Went to Greece with my Mum," he answered. "I'd rather hang out with my friends, though."

"I hear you there," Sirius replied. "If I have to spend one more summer with my beloved family, I'll kill myself."

James spoke up. "While I don't have the family troubles you have, I must say it is good to be back."

"Speaking of which," said Sirius as he straightened up. "Now that we're in our fifth year, with OWLS fast approaching and all...don't you think it's time we, well, you know, start focusing more on our studies and put these childish games behind us?"

James stared at him, alarmed.

"Kidding, mate!"

James sighed. "You had me going for a moment there," he said, laughing with Peter. Sirius laid back down, and the three of them discussed their upcoming adventures.

Remus arrived back at the compartment after the lunch trolly had passed through.

"We're supposed to be patrolling the corridors now, but I figured there's enough trouble in here with you lot," he said as he sat next to Sirius, who nodded in agreement.

"So the other Gryffindor prefect is Lily Evans."

James groaned. "Not Evans! She won't cut us any slack! She'll go completely by the books...Not to mention she can't stand me."

"Oh she's not so bad-" Remus started.

"Not her, so much as the company she keeps," Sirius interrupted. "Why she has to hang out with that slimy git is beyond me."

"Who, Snape?" Peter asked.

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Of course I mean Snape."

"Well didn't they grow up together or something?" Peter never quite felt comfortable with the way the others treated Snape. After all...was he himself so different? Scrawny, a misfit, and bullied. But not bullied anymore. _I have friends,_ Peter told himself. _The best friends anyone could want. Especially James..._He turned his attention back to Sirius.

"...So, it's not like I love my family just because I _grew up_ with them," Sirius was saying.

"Well, I'll just have to work my charm on her," said James confidently.

"Yeah, 'cause it has worked so well all these years," Sirius replied sarcastically. "Want a chocolate frog, Remus?" he said, tossing him one.

"Thanks," Remus replied.

James suddenly sat up. "I just remembered...I've got some news. I've been made Quidditch captain."

Peter could tell that James hadn't really forgotten, but had wanted to wait until the attention was on himself. But why should he, Peter, care? "Well done, mate," he told him. "You're the obvious choice."

"Yes, well done," Remus agreed.

Sirius grabbed his cup of pumpkin juice. "Here, here, to Remus and James, prefect and Quidditch captain," he said with mock sincerity. James and Remus laughed. Peter, however, observed them quietly.

_I do have impressive friends, _Peter thought. _James, the star of the Quidditch team, and always sticking up for me. Remus, less popular, but respected, and now a prefect. And Sirius...not like he even needs a title, with his perfect hair and smile and with all of the girls fawning over him. The three of them are at the top in all of our classes, and everyone thinks they are so funny. So why would they want me around? _Peter often wondered this. Though they had shared a dormitory, it wasn't until second year that they had become friends. Peter remembered it so clearly. Lucius Malfoy, then a sixth year, was bullying him on the train. Lucius had wanted Peter's compartment for himself. James, Sirius, and Lupin had been passing through and saw the older Slytherin taunting little Peter. James couldn't stand Lucius, so he hexed him right there in the compartment. Sirius dragged out Lucius's unconscious body and sat down in the compartment with Peter.

"Don't ever let that Slytherin arse push you around," Sirius told him. James came in next and sat down next to Peter.

"Th-thank you," Peter stuttered to his savior. He was amazed that a fellow second year would dare take on a sixth year without the slightest hesitation.

"It's no problem," said James, as he ruffled the back of his own hair.

And from then on, Peter was allowed to tag along with the gang. _Although maybe we're friends more because of James's hatred for Lucius than his liking me..._

Still lost in his thoughts, he barely noticed Sirius addressing him.

"Right, Peter?"

"Oh….right, I guess." Peter mumbled.

"Honestly, sometimes I don't know what's gotten in to you." Sirius narrowed his eyes at Peter.

"Sorry, mate, I'm just tired...you know..from the...time change. Yeah, must be the time change."

"Right, from Egypt."

"Actually it was Greece-" Peter started.

"Whatever." Sirius turned to James and started talking about his plans for Snape when they got off the train.

Remus checked his watch. "I think we'd better get our school robes on. We'll be there soon."

"Well, if Mr. _Prefect_ insists…"


	2. II

II.

The train slowed to a stop at Hogsmeade Station. The boys heard the Groundskeeper calling to the first years as they found a coach.

Peter stuck his head out of the window.

"Looks like the moon is almost full, Remus," he said, concerned.

"Nah, it's waning, thankfully," he replied.

"Excellent," Sirius chimed in. "I've nearly worked out my animal. The next full moon could be our test run. What about you, James?

"Yeah, nearly got it. I managed to get away from Mum and Dad enough to practice. Peter?" James said, turning to face him.

"I, uh, well, you know I haven't really had a chance to work over the summer...with Mum there and all. But I did read up more on the theory…" Of all of them, Peter was having the most difficulty with becoming an Animagus. Becoming such a small animal scared him. What if he couldn't turn back? And, worst of all, what if he never succeeded? Sirius and Remus and James would have no use for him...

"Well you'd better figure it out soon. I don't want you holding up the fun," Sirius snapped at him.

"Really, you don't have to do this for me...I'll be fine." Remus didn't want his friends getting hurt or in trouble on his behalf.

"We want to," James said reassuringly. "Besides, why should you get to have all the fun?"

"Yeah, it's a ton of fun," muttered Remus.

They came to a stop. They exited the coach and made their way up to the castle. James and Sirius moved ahead of the other two.

"Hey," James said to Sirius, apparently unaware that Peter could hear. "Why did you have to give Peter such a hard time? It's not his fault he couldn't practice. You shouldn't discourage him. We need him."

"Yeah, I guess you're right. I'm just still pissed about my summer with Reggie and Bella and my lovely parents," Sirius conceded.

"Look, I'd be mad too, but you shouldn't take it out on him."

"Whatever. You're right. I'll be in a better mood soon." Sirius turned around. "Oy, Peter, catch up!"

Peter couldn't believe James's words. _We need him. _The phrases rang over and over in his head and his cheeks flushed with happiness. Suddenly in a better mood, he ran up next to Sirius.

"I need to meet up with the other prefects. See you at the feast." Remus hurried to the front of the crowd.

Lily Evans was walking quickly past the boys, trying to get to the front of the crowd with Remus.

James fluffed his hair and called out to her. "Hey Evans! Are you going to give me a hard time this year?"

She rolled her eyes. "Don't even start with me, Potter. I'm not in the mood for your immaturity." She broke into jog and didn't look back.

"That went well!" Sirius exclaimed, laughing.

After a rousing rendition of the school song, the boys tore into their food. When the dessert plates had been cleared, Professor Dumbledore made a few announcements and then dismissed the students to their dormitories. Peter was looking forward to a good night's sleep. Sirius, however, had other plans.

"After we unpack let's head to the Room of Requirement to practice."

Remus raised his eyebrows. "You want to sneak out on the first night back?"

"Why not? No one will be expecting it. What else do we have to do?"

Peter felt a little queasy. He had been hoping to get a look at his transfiguration book before the next time they practiced together. Not wanting to appear worried, he yawned and said,

"C'mon, Sirius, let's just go to bed. We have plenty of time before the next full moon."

Sirius frowned slightly and turned to James. "Well?" he inquired.

"I'm with Peter. I'd rather just hang in the common room or something," he replied, eyeing Lily.

"You're all lame," said Sirius, though he was smiling. "A boring night it is, then."

Peter was quite relieved. He promised himself he would look over his book that very night.


	3. III

III.

Luckily for Peter, Sirius seemed to have forgotten about practicing transfiguring during the first week. James was preoccupied as well organizing Quidditch tryouts. Remus, of course, had to see to his prefect duties.

The first Saturday after school started, James held Quidditch tryouts. Peter headed down to the pitch with Sirius. Remus was catching up on homework in the common room.

"Do you know what positions are open?" Peter asked.

"That bloke Prewitt graduated last year. He played keeper. So did that girl chaser. But I think he wants everyone to try out again." Sirius seemed to be in a better mood, probably due to being away from his family.

"That's really smart of him. I bet he'll put the best team together!" Peter said excitedly. He loved watching James play Quidditch. He was by far the best player in the school.

They took seats in the bleachers. A few minutes later, James walked onto the field followed by a few dozen students. James mounted his broom and flew around the pitch for fun. When he flew close to Peter and Sirius, Peter waved heartily. James winked and dove to the ground, pulling up only at the last minute, drawing applause from the prospects.

"Alright, how many of you are first years?" James called.

A few of them tentatively raised their hands.

"Get out of here!" James pointed away from the field. Their faces fell and trudged off of the field. "Now, the rest of you, divide into teams and follow me…"

The tryouts lasted a few hours. Once James was satisfied, he motioned to Sirius and Peter to join him. Peter hurried down on the field.

"That was so great! We'll win the cup for sure!" Peter beamed at James.

"Yeah, I guess we have a shot. As long as I catch the snitch, it's not like the rest of the team matters anyway," said James proudly.

"I'm surprised your broom can make of off the ground with a head the size of yours," replied Sirius.

"Whatever...I'm hungry. Let's go eat."

Later that night, Peter lay propped up in his bed. He was rereading his transfiguration book. The four had decided to practice tonight. Though he had nearly memorized the introduction, Peter reread:

_Considered by many to be the most difficult in human transfiguration, most wizards do not attempt the art of the Animagus. Some of the first Animagi were eight wizard siblings who formed the animal signs of the zodiac; the youngest became a ram, then next a bull, then a crab, scorpion, lion, horse, goat, and a fish. Now known as the Animagi of Cyprus, these siblings provided the earliest known source on the theory of the Animagus transformation._

Peter rubbed his eyes. He turned to the first chapter, entitled, "The Ram's Approach," and read it again. After a few minutes, he slammed it shut, frustrated. Luckily, Remus was coming tonight to help. He was good at explaining principles. Peter tucked the book inside his robes, checked himself in the mirror, and went downstairs to the common room. There he found James and Sirius in the corner. Remus was on the final nightly patrol with Lily. Peter joined them as they finalized the plans. James glanced around and then said quietly,

"We'll wait for the last few people to go to bed. Then I'll signal to Remus that we're clear." He indicated a small mirror. Peter recognized it as the one James and Sirius used to talk while in separate detentions. He continued. "Then Remus will signal when the 7th floor corridor and surrounding areas are clear. We'll take the cloak and meet him there. It won't matter if he's seen out of bed since he's a prefect. Then we'll come back in pairs with the cloak. Got it?"

The others nodded in agreement. Half an hour passed, and the last few students trudged up to bed. James picked up the mirror and whispered,

_"_All clear, Remus."

Remus's face appeared in the mirror. "Good," he replied. "We're about done out here."

A few minutes later, Remus appeared again with the clear signal. The three of them put on the cloak and crawled out of the portrait hole. They reach the 7th floor corridor without any holdups.

"Nice work, boys," said Sirius as they entered the Room of Requirement. The room was simply furnished with four armchairs and a table.

"Shall we go separately, then?" Sirius asked. He stood in the middle of the room, concentrating. He muttered the steps aloud to himself as his various body parts took the shape of a dog. "Ears, nose, mouth, hands, feet…"

Peter stared at him, impressed. Then James took his turn. He, like Sirius, successfully transfigured various parts separately.

Remus read aloud from the book, "_Once separate body parts have been successfully transfigured, one should attempt to bring all of the parts together. Work from the outside in. _Work on that next."

Once James was fully human again, he turned to Peter and said,

"Well, let's see what you've got."

Peter stepped forward nervously. He closed his eyes, and tried to feel the essence of the rat. He had at least reached the milestone of figuring out what animal he was becoming. The book was the least clear on this point, as the writers could not agree on whether it was random, based on personality, family, destiny, or some combination. Peter took a deep breath. "Ok…"

Nothing happened.

Sirius raised his eyebrows, clearly not impressed. James shuffled uncomfortably. Remus flipped back in the book, "_Focus on one body part at a time. Let the essence of the animal merge with your own being. _Peter, I know you can do it. I saw you get the feet last term." Sirius spoke up,

"Let's see that tail!

"Ok, Peter. Focus on the tail," Remus said.

Peter took another deep breath, concentrating with all of his might. Suddenly, he felt something shooting out of his backside. It grew longer, longer. Finally it stopped. Peter opened his eyes, and what he saw nearly made him feet long, the tail was pinkish brown and curled sickeningly around his body. Sirius and James burst out laughing.

"It looks like a huge earthworm!" Sirius howled. "Peter has a worm coming out of his arse!"

James nearly fell out of his chair. Even Remus couldn't stifle a laugh. Peter was starting to panic, feeling more and more sick. Remus walked over to him.

"Peter, just concentrate on shrinking the tail. Put it back where it came from."

"It came from up his bum! Hahahaha!" Sirius was nearly crying.

Peter tried to block the image from his head, but he still felt his stomach contract. Before he knew it, his entire dinner had spilled on the floor in front of him. Then the tail finally shrunk and disappeared. Peter collapsed on the ground. James ran over to him.

"Peter, are you alright?" He pulled him up.

"Ugh...I think so," he mumbled in response, humiliated. To makes things worse, a mop and bucket suddenly appeared. The boys took this as their cue to end the practice session.

Peter awoke the next morning, groggy. Images from last night kept running through his head. _They have probably already forgotten, _he told himself. He started to draw open his curtains when they flew open from the outside.

"Morning, Wormtail!" Sirius cried. James and Remus were in their beds, still rolling with laughter. To make things work, Sirius had fashioned a sheet into a long rope and stuck it in his pajama pants. Peter turned bright red, but climbed out of bed.

"Yeah, real funny," he said, trying to sound nonchalant.

"Here, we made one for you, too!." Sirius ran behind Peter and stuck a sheet down his pants. James and a guilty-looking Remus came over, also sporting sheet tails.

"This is ridiculous," Remus said as he removed his own sheet. "I'm going to breakfast."

Peter began to laugh too, and soon all embarrassment was gone.


	4. IV

IV

Monday meant Double Potions with the Slytherins first thing in the morning. As the first of September had fallen midweek this term, this was their first class meeting. The four boys trudged down to the dungeons to the potions classroom. James, still nibbling on a piece of toast, took his usual table at the back of the room. Sirius plopped down next to him and dropped his head, apparently trying to savor a few more minutes of sleep before class started. Peter and Remus took their usual places right in front of James and Sirius. Peter was about to turn around to talk to James when Lily Evans entered the classroom. James coughed on his toast as he stood up to talk to her. She didn't even glance at him as he continued hacking away. By the time James recovered, Lily had already taken a seat with Severus at the front. Before he could say something, Professor Slughorn entered the classroom.

_"_Good morning, students! It is so wonderful to see you all back alive and well this term," he said jollily. "Now, let me start with the roll call."

"Avery!"

A sullen-faced Slytherin with sandy-blond hair raised his hand, looking bored.

_"_Axelrod!"

A petite Gryffindor girl excitedly shot her hand in the air.

"Black!"

Sirius, now asleep, did not reply.

"BLACK!" Professor Slughorn called again, louder this time.

Still no answer,

"_Sirius Bartholomew Black!" _Slughorn roared, this time marching to the back of the classroom. Several students sniggered, and Peter heard a Slytherin mutter "_Bartholomew…"_

"I'm up Mum, I'm up!" Sirius scrambled into an upright position, looking confused.

"All right then, present. Now before I continue, this seating arrangement has got to change." Professor Slughorn looked disdainfully at James, and then back to Sirius. "I'll not have a repeat of last year. Black, switch with Miss Axelrod."

"But-"

"Now! Go!"

Sirius gathered up his things and marched reluctantly to the front of the class and took his seat next to a girl named Penny Highwater, who eyed him hopefully. Jane Axelrod skipped to the back of the room and enthusiastically took her seat. She smiled at James, looking like she could hardly believe her luck.

Peter couldn't help but feel a little happy about the seating change. After all, Sirius _always _sat with James…

When roll call was finished, Professor Slughorn gave a brief lecture and assigned a sleeping potion for the class to work on in pairs. Peter squinted at the board. Potions was not his favorite subject. Remus lit a fire under their cauldron as Peter gathered ingredients from the store cupboard.

"If you'll just juice these pomegranate seeds, I'll keep stirring this," Remus said as he added several herbs to the cauldron. Juicing was proving easy enough, so Peter turned around to James.

"Hey, uh, don't you have Quidditch practice today?"

"Yeah," James replied as he added powdered wormwood to his potion, which sizzled and turned bright green. "You'll come watch, won't you?"

"Sure! I mean, if you want me to..." he added hastily, hoping his outburst had gone unnoticed.

"Cool, you can see some new moves I've been working on," James replied, not looking at Peter. "Hey, can you pass me that pile of dried frog toes?"

Peter grabbed the toes quickly and deposited them into James's outstretched hand. Peter felt James's hand brush his own and he shivered slightly. Not knowing what to say next, Peter was relieved when Remus called to him,

"You can add the juice now, Peter."

Peter turned around, slightly pink in the face, and poured the juice into their cauldron. _Why did you react like that? You've touched James before, stupid, _he told himself. _No...It must be the smell of the toes. Yes, that's it. It wasn't from James. Stupid of me to even think that. Crazy._

Peter snapped back to reality as Professor Slughorn reached his table, clipboard in hand. He smelled their potion and dropped a blue liquid into it. The potion caught fire and was reduced a fine powder.

"Good work, Pettigrew, Lupin. Full marks today." Slughorn continued on to James and Jane's table.

"Thanks, Remus. I couldn't have done it without you." Peter said.

Remus smiled and replied, "No problem, mate."

Professor Slughorn dismissed the class. Jane Axelrod stood up so fast her chair turned over.

"Whoops!" she cried as James picked up the chair for her. "Oh, thanks! It was so much fun working with you! I can't wait for the next class!" With that, she ran up and joined her friend Penny.

"She seriously needs to calm down. This is going to be a really long term," James complained to no one in particular.

James joined Sirius at the front of the classroom. Peter shuffled up behind Remus, willing himself to remain casual. He heard James complaining about the new seating arrangement.

"She was so excited, acted like she had never made a potion before. She's completely mad. Did you see how excited she was even at roll call?"

"Well at least you didn't get felt up every time you were handed something," Sirius replied, glaring at Penny's back. Peter coughed uncomfortably.

"I thought you be into that, Sirius," Remus said with a wry smile as they exited the classroom.

"Yeah, well, not first thing in the morning, and certainly not with _her,_" he answered.

Peter could understand that sentiment, as Penny, while cute, was very enthusiastic about her studies, a trait which greatly annoyed Sirius and James.

_So why is James so into Lily? She can hardly get her face out of her books!_ he thought resentfully. _And if she does, it's just to spend time with Snape._

"Watch it, Snivellus!" Sirius yelled as he deliberately shoved Snape into a wall.

"Yeah, watch it, Snivelly." James pointed his wand at Snape's feet, causing him to trip.

As Sirius laughed and turned to walk away, Lily marched up to him.

_"_That's five points from Gryffindor! For both of you! He didn't do anything!" Lily cried as she helped Severus stand up. Several Gryffindors were watching the scene, some laughing and others staring awkwardly.

"Didn't do anything? The great slime ball got in our way," said Sirius, looking unconcerned.

"Just clearing a path, Evans," James said, leaning against the wall casually.

"Yeah! Clearing the way!" Peter chimed in.

"You are unbelievable! Remus, I can't believe you associate with these three," she said angrily. "And you are supposed to be a prefect!" She grabbed Severus's hand and stomped away.

"Every bloody girl in this school is mad," Sirius said under his breath. Then he turned to the crowd of onlookers. "What are you looking at?" he spat. They scattered at his words and headed upstairs.

James looked longingly in the direction Lily had gone. Peter wanted to say something to comfort him. He reached up to pat James's shoulder, but thought better of it and said,

"Forget her. If she wants to hang out with Snivellus all the time she's not worth it." Then, suddenly angry, Peter continued,

"That stupid bitch is only going to give us trouble this year."

At those words, James turned around suddenly.

"Just shut up Peter! You have no idea what you are talking about!" With that, James marched away angrily.

"God Peter, can't you tell he likes her?" Sirius glared at Peter. "You are so dense sometimes."

Peter watched as Sirius and Remus followed James up the stairs. Instead of running after them, he took a turn at another corridor, walked through a tapestry, and found himself outside in one of Hogwart's many courtyards. He sat next to a fountain of a weeping unicorn. He gazed around at the last greenery of summer, lulled by the sound of the trickling fountain and refreshed by the cool morning air. Despite his surroundings, Peter could only hear James's words, resounding in his mind over and over.

Peter heard footsteps. He looked up, hoping it would be James, but was disappointed to see a familiar girl from Slytherin. She was shorter than Peter and had dark hair and eyes. She glanced around and saw Peter.

"It's Peter, right?" she said tentatively. Peter nodded, surprised at being addressed outside of the presence of his friends.

"I'm Victoria. We just had Potions together," she said.

"Oh, right."

"Why aren't you with your friends?"

Peter glanced away for a moment, then responded,

"Just had a bit of a row. Came outside to cool off."

Victoria took a seat next to him. "Your friends are jerks, you know. No one in my house likes them."

"And what about me?" Peter was starting to get annoyed.

"Well, I'm talking to you, aren't I?" she asked.

Peter didn't know what to say to that, so he continued gazing at the scenery. Victoria kept talking:

"The way they bully Severus...I wouldn't be surprised if you're next."

Peter stood up. "That's enough. I don't have to listen to this." He started to walk away.

"Have it your way. All I'm saying is you seem cooler than that lot."

Peter started to reply, but decided against it and turned to walk back inside. With a final glance behind, he saw Victoria smiling up at him.

After a miserable rest of the day avoiding his friends, Peter settled down on his bed, curtains drawn. It had been such a confusing day, being yelled at by James, then his strange meeting with Victoria…Peter had to admit to himself that it felt pretty good to be addressed alone, although her words only confirmed a fear he had long had; that he was really no different than Severus. _I failed at being an Animagus, and I'm about to fail at being a friend. _Peter hadn't felt so alone since his first year at school. He couldn't stop thinking about James. He drifted off into sleep..

_It was dim and gray. James was zooming around the Quidditch field. Peter watched from his bed, which was outside for some reason. He liked the way the wind rushed through James's hair as he flew. Then James flew over to Peter's bed and sat on the bedspread. He threw the broom to the floor and crawled next to Peter. He leaned over to him, closer, closer. Now their faces were almost touching. Peter's heart was pounding excitedly. James closed his eyes, and leaned in even closer…_

Peter awoke suddenly. He was sweating and was twisted up in his sheets. He opened his curtain and groped around for his water jug. He jumped when he saw Remus sitting on his own bed, staring at him.

"Are you… all right, Peter?" Remus asked awkwardly. "You were...moaning or something…"

"Oh...I...uh..nightmare," answered Peter, mortified.

"I thought I heard you say Ja- uh...never mind." Remus, still looking extremely uncomfortable, drew his curtains closed.


	5. V

V.

Peter awoke the following morning wondering if the week could possibly get any worse. He tentatively opened his bed curtains. The bedroom was empty. He sighed with relief and began to get dressed. After tying his shoes, Peter took one last look in the mirror. He fingered his lank, colorless hair, willing it to somehow be thick and flowing like Sirius's. Continuing to examine his own appearance only depressed him, so he abruptly left the dormitory,

Peter headed downstairs to the common room and found James, Sirius, and Remus sitting in their usual corner. He averted his eyes and made his way to the portrait hole.

"Oy! Where do you think you're going?" called James.

Peter froze in his tracks. _Surely Remus didn't say anything...he wouldn't do that to me. Or would he?_

"Come look at this new spell I found! I want to try it out on Snivellus." James was indicating a large book of jinxes.

Apparently the spat from the day before was forgotten. A smile on his face, Peter joined his friends. After a few more minutes of joking around and last minute homework revisions, the four packed up and went to breakfast.

The talk returned to Severus at the meal table. Remus, however, thumbed through his Charms textbook, clearly not interested. Peter chewed on his bacon, contemplative. Though he was back on speaking terms with James, he decided to tread lightly on the subject of Lily.

"James," Peter said hesitantly. "Maybe you should wait until Snape is...alone... next time you jinx him."

"Definitely," he agreed, but did not say anything more as he devoured his plate of eggs.

Peter suppressed a grin and went back to his food. He continued to eat in silence, catching snippets of James and Sirius's conversation.

"...just go talk to her,"

"... doesn't like me, I can tell,"

"...crazy."

"Fine! I'll go!"

Suddenly Sirius got up and sauntered over to the end of the Gryffindor table.

Peter couldn't help but feel a little excited at Sirius's absence. _It's great whenever Sirius gets a new girlfriend. He pretty much abandons James. I would never do that...not for some stupid girl…_

Enjoying his new monopolization of James's attention, Peter discussed classes and Quidditch with him. It felt different when he was alone with James. _He really listens to me…_

Their conversation was only interrupted when James noticed Lily take a seat. Lily looked over and James gave what Peter thought to be a stupid smile, to which she rolled her eyes. Although...Peter thought he saw some color appear on her cheeks as she looked away. _No...she couldn't be interested in James. Not possible. _But she had definitely blushed. Peter suddenly felt warm, and the heat was rising to his chest. His heart beat faster as his eyes narrowed.

"What's wrong with you, mate?" James inquired.

Peter jumped James's words. "Nothing! I just saw...Snape. Over there." Peter frantically glanced around, and, luckily, spied Snape exiting the hall. He pointed in what he hoped was a casual way.

"Excellent. All alone." He hesitated. "Although…" Peter thought he saw James look ever so slightly in Lily's direction. "No, not today," he decided. "Anyway, we should get to Transfiguration. McGonagall said if I'm late again I'll get two weeks of detention."

James slung his book bag over his shoulder and started toward Sirius at the end of the table. Remus followed shortly after. Peter, however, remained at the table. _Lily will ruin everything _he thought miserably as he absentmindedly poked a piece of sausage. _Everything was perfect last year. No Animagi. No Lily. James was all mine…_

The next few weeks flew by for Peter. With Sirius busy pursuing his new love interest, James and Peter were spending much more time alone together. Even with the fun Peter was having watching Quidditch practice, studying and strutting through the halls with James, the thought of the full moon approaching hung in the back of his mind like a dull headache.

Finally, the four boys had a few hours free to spend together. As soon as they sat down in the common room, Sirius brought up Animagus practice.

"Look, it's almost the full moon. We have to practice. We've only got what, a few days left?" He looked inquisitively at Remus.

Remus sighed, looking anxious. "It's actually tomorrow night," he said.

"Fuck!" Sirius exclaimed, attracting the attention of some first year girls. He lowered his voice

"We have to practice tonight," he said definitively.

"Yeah, Remus can't spend the first full moon of the term alone," James agreed.

Remus gave a hopeful smile. Peter couldn't bring himself to argue.

"It's settled then," Sirius said.

The Room of Requirement looked exactly as they had left it, save Peter's mess. Peter sat down reluctantly and nervously swung his feet back and forth. Sirius volunteered to go first again. As he stood up, Peter watched him, hoping to glean anything that could help his own transformation.

Sirius stood calmly in the middle of the room. After a few seconds, black hair spurted out all over his body, lengthening into a shaggy mane. His fingernails grew long and pointy as his feet shrunk into bear-like paws, causing him to fall forward.

"Whoa!" he shouted, his voice distorted by a growl. Now his torso was shortening and growing thicker. Sirius's nose grew longer into a snout, his ears large and pointed. Finally the transformation was complete. Peter gasped. Sirius gave an excited bark began to run around the room.

James transformed next. Peter was awestruck by the magnificent stag now in front of him. James's antlers gleamed in the soft light. He cantered over to Sirius. Sirius gave the stag a tentative sniff, then began to nip playfully at his heels. James and Sirius continued to play until Remus finally called their names.

"Whoa!" James and Sirius cried at the same time as they regained their human forms.

"That was so bloody awesome!" James yelled.

Sirius slapped James on the back. "That is definitely that craziest thing we have ever done."

"Brilliant!" Remus congratulated them, looking truly happy. "I bet most grown wizards couldn't do that."

"Let's go again!" said James excitedly.

Sirius looked at James, then at Peter. "Not yet. Let's see Peter transform now. All of this will be useless tomorrow night if he can't push the freezing knot on the Whomping Willow."

Peter sat up and tried to look calm.

"Don't worry, mate. We'll help you now that we know how it works," James assured him.

The three began coaching Peter. He had small successes. Some fur, a claw; he even managed to morph a small tail.

Many hours had now passed. Peter was exhausted. He had made more progress this night than ever before, bolstered by James's patience and encouragement. However, he was nowhere near achieving full transformation. Remus glanced at his watch.

"Oy! It's almost 3:30!"

Sirius, who had been dozing off in a chair, woke up.

"So did you do it, Peter?" he said through a yawn.

"No," said James bluntly.

"I got the fur...and the claws-" Peter began.

"We've been here for four bloody hours and you've only managed to get some fur and claws?" Sirius was now fully awake and strode over to Peter. "What the hell have you been doing all night? Wanking off?"

"I…" Peter couldn't think of anything to say, and looked hopefully at James.

James glared at Peter. "I don't know Sirius," he said, tired and frustrated. "I didn't know we had a bloody idiot for a friend."

"Let's get out of here." Sirius shoved James and Remus under the invisibility cloak and they left the Room of Requirement without Peter.

Peter could not believe what had just happened. His brain could hardly process it. Shock from James's sudden reaction. That hurt more than anything he could remember. Shame for his failure. Guilt for causing Remus to face his werewolf transformation alone tomorrow night. Then panic crept in, when he realized couldn't very well walk back to his dormitory, fully visible, in the middle of the night. Even worse, what would he say to his friends if he did make it back?

Before he could contemplate his predicament any further, a four poster bed, similar to his own from the dormitory, appeared. Peter collapsed onto it gratefully and began to sob uncontrollably.


	6. VI

VI.

"So, do I stir clockwise or counter-clockwise?" Victoria asked Peter in Potions class.

"Let me see." Peter checked his notes. "Counter-clockwise. Three times," he replied.

"Cool." Victoria stirred the potion, which caused it to become thick and foamy, as the directions had indicated.

Two weeks had passed since Peter's friends had left him in the Room of Requirement. Two miserable weeks, alone. Peter knew better than to approach them. Whenever they passed in the halls, Sirius would glare, James would look past Peter indifferently, and Remus would quickly look at his own feet. Peter spent all of his free time in the library or out on the grounds. He was the first to go to bed, curtains tightly drawn, and the first to leave the dormitory in the morning.

News had spread quickly that Hogwart's most popular clique had expelled a member. Peter could hear the other boys in his dormitory whispering about him when they thought he was asleep. He saw first year girls shamelessly stare and giggle. Even students in the other houses noticed; Peter could feel their eyes on him as he ate breakfast alone at the Gryffindor table.

"Now what?"

Peter looked at his notes again. He mouthed through the directions until he found what he needed. "Add the Norwegian toadstool. And then we should be done." He closed his book and put away his notes.

After adding the last ingredient, Victoria and Peter went to wash their hands as the potion stewed. As Peter waited for his turn, he couldn't help staring at the sink basin, where James was now washing. Peter watched the water trickle down James's toned forearms. His muscles flexed as he scrubbed his hands vigorously. James looked up and saw Peter staring. Peter felt his heart beat faster. He could feel his cheeks turning pink and immediately turned away.

After his last class for the day, Transfiguration, Peter ate a quick dinner and headed to the library to do his homework. Peter's work had improved significantly over the past few weeks; he could finally work at his own pace. He realized that he used to spend a great deal of time and energy trying to impress James and Sirius..._Not that it matters now, _Peter thought bitterly.

Sitting down in his usual corner of the library, he pulled out his Potions homework. After he completed a report on the day's potion, he moved onto Charms, and then started an essay for History of Magic that wasn't due for several more days.

Several hours had passed, and he still had to do Transfiguration homework. He was supposed write an essay on the nature of Vanishing Spells. This was one of the most difficult spells the fifth years had studied, and would certainly come up on the O.W.L. exams.

Peter sighed and opened his book. Magical theory was not his strength. He found the chapter he was looking for, entitled "Into Nothingness." He read a few paragraphs and then started the introduction to his essay: _The Vanishing Spell works by causing the inner essence of the Object to merge with the fundamental absence of its essence… _He paused, not knowing how to continue. He continued reading the chapter, but he could not concentrate. His eyelids felt very heavy. His thoughts inevitably traveled to James..

_Peter was in the common room with his friends. He was trying to talk to James, but it was like no one could hear him. "James!" He shouted, but nothing happened. James was laughing hysterically at something Sirius had said. Peter felt like he was slipping away and could barely move. Suddenly, he felt the wand in his pocket. He mustered all of his strength and pulled it out. He pointed it directly at Sirius and yelled the Vanishing incantation. Sirius was gone. Now Peter didn't feel as heavy and could see more clearly. He pointed his wand at Remus and vanished him, and then everyone else in the room until he was alone with James. The room was now quiet and Peter could move freely._

_"Finally," James said to Peter. "Finally what?" Peter asked him."Finally...I am alone with you." James stood up and strode over to Peter. He now stood so close to Peter that they were nearly touching. "What-" Peter started, but James stopped him. "Shhhh Peter," he said, and ran his finger through Peter's hair. Peter's entire body shivered. James pulled Peter closer and began kissing him. Peter broke away. "James! I..you…" "Shut up," James said as he threw Peter down onto the couch. "But..I thought you liked...girls….Lily!" "I only want you, Peter," James replied, and then started kissing Peter again. Peter could hardly breathe. Without warning, James thrust his hand down Peter's pants and began stroking him. "Ooooooh," Peter moaned. He had never felt anything so wonderful in his life. "Don't stop…" "I'll never stop, Peter.." James whispered…_

"Don't stop!" Peter said, this time aloud.

"Excuse me?" The librarian exclaimed.

Peter froze. _What...where.._

_"_Pettigrew? What are you still doing here? It's past midnight!."

Peter's head cleared and he realized he had been dreaming.

"I...er...studying...must've-fallen-asleep-sorry-goodnight!" Peter raced out of the library, sweating and more confused than ever.


	7. VII

VII.

Peter raced back to his dormitory. He stumbled up the stairs of Gryffindor Tower until he reached the portrait hole. The Fat Lady was fast asleep.

"P…P…Pa…" He gasped.

The Fat Lady's eyes shot open. She glared a Peter.

"Just what are you doing out of bed at this hour?"

"I…just…let me in! Pa…Pa…Patronus Malus!" he finally managed. The Fat Lady continued to glare but allowed Peter to pass through.

Peter ran straight to his bedroom. He had calmed down a bit, but he couldn't get the dream out of his head. Still in shock, Peter tripped over Sirius' trunk on the way to his own bed. He landed on the ground with a loud thump and his belongings flew everywhere.

"Bloody hell!" Sirius exclaimed. "What's going on?"

"Sorry, Sirius, I…I….I tripped! Sorry!" Peter managed to spurt out as he struggled to pick up his books, his cheek pounding where it had met the floor.

"Clumsy git." Sirius muttered. Peter heard him roll over in his bed. Luckily, it seemed as if the others hadn't woken up.

Peter got into his own bed and drew the curtains, not bothering to change into his nightclothes. He checked his pocket watch. Quarter past one.

Peter was wide awake. The dream replayed over and over again in his mind. He felt confused and shameful, but at the same time…incredibly excited. _James is your friend…your FRIEND! _he thought. But the way James's lips felt against his…and then…Peter shuddered thinking about what had happened next. It felt so right. _But he's your friend! And you don't like him that way! You're just confused….so confused…and lonely._

Peter faded into a troubled sleep, full of incoherent dreams. He awoke to James's voice.

"Padfoot, have you seen my shoes?"

"You left them in the bathroom, mate," Sirius replied. "Oi! We gotta go!" he added.

Peter checked his watch. _Come on, leave! _Peter would be late unless he left now, but he couldn't risk seeing James face to face.

After a few moments Peter heard the boys exit the dormitory. He sighed with relief as he crawled out of bed. He looked around for his spilled papers and books, but found them in a neat pile at the foot of his bed. A note on top in neat cursive read, "Be more careful. ~R."

Peter felt a wave of gratitude toward Remus. He gathered up his things and raced to Charms class.

By lunchtime, Peter's stomach was growling uncontrollably from skipping breakfast. He plopped down in the first empty seat he could find in the Great Hall and immediately began stuffing himself. Peter heard some girls giggling at him but he didn't care.

When Peter finished, he wiped his mouth with his sleeve. He decided to head to the library. As he exited the Great Hall, he saw James out of the corner of his eye. The dream replayed in his mind again. He could feel his cheeks burning.

"Peter! Wait up!" He turned around.

It was Victoria. Peter smiled and waited for her to catch up with him.

"You look a little off today. Bad night's sleep?" she inquired.

"Something like that," Peter replied. The two headed outside. The courtyard was nearly empty. Victoria took a seat on a low wall and pulled out some homework.

Peter sat next to her. He twisted a vine in his fingers and contemplated confiding in her.

He hesitated. "Have you ever…uh…"

"What?"

"Have you ever had…er…never mind." Peter couldn't bring himself to finish the question.

Victoria looked at him inquiringly. "Have I ever what?"

"No...it's not important." Peter regretted bringing it up.

Victoria put down her homework and stared at him. "You can tell me Peter. I won't laugh. We're friends."

Peter took a deep breath. "Have you…ever had a dream. About someone you care about. But not like that…Er…someone who is just a friend…or you thought so. But in the dream it was…more than that?" He stared at his feet.

"Um…sure. I guess so," Victoria replied unconvincingly. "I mean, maybe you really do care about this person."

"No! I mean…I don't know. It's so confusing."

Victoria took his hand in hers. "It's all right to have feelings for someone, Peter," she said, looking at him longingly.

Peter stared at her, alarmed. _Oh no…she thinks…._

"No, I just.." Peter pulled his hand away from hers.

"It's okay, Peter. I fancy you, too. Even before I ever talked to you." She put her hand on his leg. Peter jerked back but she didn't stop. "Listen," he started but she interrupted him.

"Oh, Peter…" She reached up and pushed his bangs out of his face. "Your hair is so soft."

This time Peter jumped down from the wall. "I have to get to class!" He ran away, repulsed, without looking back.


	8. VIII

VIII.

Peter ducked inside the nearest restroom and into the first open stall. His head spinning, he sat on the closed toilet and tried to process the new mess he had created.

Though the situation was bad, Peter could not help feeling flattered. Victoria fancied him, even though there were so many smarter and better-looking guys. It made him feel good, the way he felt whenever James praised him. Feeling a little better, he headed to Divination.

Peter was the first to arrive to Divination class. It was one of his favorite classrooms. With its many bright windows, silk curtains, and pleasant incense, it was always a nice change from the musty Potions dungeon.

Professor Lyra, a beautiful witch with long blonde hair and a willowy figure, was rearranging the furniture as Peter entered.

"Welcome, Peter," she said in her seductive, alto voice. "Would you be a dear and help me with these last few tables?"

"S-sure," Peter stumbled.

"If you could just push these against the wall, I can get the floor pillows." She sauntered to the back of the classroom and began to pile up the pillows with her wand.

Peter pointed his wand at the table and muttered an incantation. The tables shook slightly. He tried again, with the same result. He sighed, and pushed the tables manually.

The rest of the class started to trickle in, so Peter took a seat on a pillow in the corner. His heart sank when he saw James enter with Sirius, both roaring with laughter. _I should be with them…_he thought longingly.

"Good afternoon, class," said Professor Lyra. "Now that we have spent a few weeks studying the Art of Palmistry, it is time to put theory into practice. We will spend the period reading palms. Now, remember the principles discussed on page…" She paused suddenly. "Ahem, Mr. Black. Did you have something to contribute?" She raised her brow at Sirius, who was whispering to James.

Sirius casually pushed his dark hair out of his eyes. "I was just telling James here that I noticed there is an odd number of students, and that I could…you know…practice on you, if you want," he replied, to the amusement of several boys in the class.

"That won't be necessary, Black," she said, rolling her eyes. "I have already made the assignments." She took a list from her desk and scanned it. "Ah, it appears that you will be with Miss Highwater." Sirius groaned as took a seat next to his Potions partner.

Professor Lyra continued reading the list: "Miss Axlerod, with Miss Jorkens. Potter, with Williams…" Peter zoned out until he finally heard his own name. "Pettigrew, with Miss Evans."

"So remember, use the principles on page 17 if you need help." The professor took a seat at her desk.

Peter shuffled over to a pillow near Lily. "Hello," he mumbled.

"Hello, Peter," she said cautiously. "Er..do you want to go first?"

"Um…Sure." Peter took her hand in his. His chest tightened as he thought about James's feelings for her. He stared at her palm for several minutes, unable to concentrate. He could not imagine what James saw in her. _She's such a suck up. Perfectionist. Always hanging with Severus…._

"See anything interesting?" Lily inquired. Peter looked up at her, and could not help noticing her kind smile and brilliant green eyes. He relaxed a bit. "Er…I can't tell which is your life line and which is your love line…" he trailed off.

"Oh just make something up…who's going to know?" she said wryly.

Peter hesitated. "I dunno…." It was hard to look at her and not think about James.

"Here, let me try." She took his hand, and closed her eyes dramatically. "Hmm….I feel your life line." She opened her eyes and traced a line on his palm. "I see you will live to be….er….one hundred and fifty."

Peter laughed. He suddenly felt at ease. "Great! How does my love life look?"

"Let's see…" she traced another imaginary line. "Oh my! I see you will break many hearts…in fact…no less than twenty seven!"

They were both laughing now. Peter took a turn reading Lily's palm. They went back and forth a few times, each prediction becoming sillier than the last. They managed to stifle their laughter long enough for Professor Lyra's assessment.

"I feel deep clairvoyant energy here," she said mystically as she moved on to the next pair.

"Well done, Peter," Lily said with a warm smile.

"Thanks," he replied, but looked away.

"Peter…if you don't mind me asking…" she started.

"What?"

"I couldn't help noticing. Why haven't you been hanging around your friends…are you all right?"

Peter could see she was being sincere. But he could not tell her the truth.

"It's…complicated," he replied.

"I see…Well, if you need anything…"

The silence broke with Professor Lyra's voice:

"That will be all for today. I appreciate your efforts. And I do hope you will continue to practice with your friends. The approaching full moon in Pisces is sure to bring _deep_ insight." With a wave of her hand, she dismissed the class.

The mention of the full moon caused Peter's heart to sink. That was where all of his troubles started. Not being able to help Remus. Letting his friends down. Letting himself down. He turned to say goodbye to Lily but saw she was looking at James. Peter saw James smile at her. She tucked her hair behind her ears in a nervous sort of way.

Peter's cheek grew hot. He could feel his heart throbbing in his throat. He tried to speak but no sound came out. He grabbed his book bag and stomped out of the classroom, though was unable to block out the sound of James's voice…

"So Lily, the Professor said we should read each other…"

Peter turned around quickly and saw James take Lily's hand.

"Hmm…your love line. It says…what's this? That you'll go out with me?"

She jerked her hand away. "In your dreams, Potter," she replied, but her cheeks had turned bright red.

Peter could not handle it. He dashed from the doorway and down the spiral staircase, skipping steps all the way down. He ran back to the bathroom stall. He was angrier than he had ever felt. _James…Lily…how could this happen? _He punched the bathroom wall in frustration.

"Oi! You all right, mate?" an unfamiliar voice called from the next stall.

"Never you mind!" Peter snapped. He left the stall, slamming the door behind him. He stormed out of the bathroom and headed for the seventh floor.

He had to get James back. And he knew what he had to do. He did not stop until he reached the blank wall he had walked by so many times before. He paced back and forth a few times until a door materialized.

Peter entered the Room of Requirement.


End file.
